Female Models
by DragongirlM
Summary: Ever notice how certain races lack female models? Six unlikely allies storm over to Blizzard headquarters to fix that, because, as they say, "YOU NO TAKE CANDLE AND FEMALE RIGHTS!" One-shot.


**Hooray! My first-ever WoWfic! :D This is a late Christmas present for Ivory Muse, by BBF in real life and on FF. She doesn't play WoW, so she might only sort of get this, but I think(err, hope) she'll get a kick out of the whole female rights thing. :P**

One day, a Blizzard employee in charge of design was taking a nap. He had had a rather discouraging day of attempting to create the female pandaren model for World of Warcraft. He'd thought that it would be easy—just take a panda and stick boobs on it. But the Overlords of Blizzard had said that that was not near good enough, and he needed to try harder and yada yada yada. So the employee—let's call him Fred—had worked for a full five hours before finally passing out. Alas, he was not to remain undisturbed. Not for long, anyway.

Fred was rudely awakened from a lovely nap when something large smacked him in the head. "OW!" he shouted, "MARTY! Was that you? I'm trying to work here!" In fact, Fred was angry about being woken because he had been having a particularly lovely dream that had something to do with Alexstrasza, Ysera, and Sylvanas deciding to become strippers. Fred groaned again and rubbed his eyes. When he opened them, he saw something very strange.

Standing on the table before him was a strange little animal. It resembled a rat somewhat, all hunched over with a long muzzle, beady little eyes glaring at Fred from under bushy white brows. It has a shock of tangled white hair sticking out from under a little leather cap on its head, and it was clad in what appeared to be the remains of a miner's outfit once several times too big for it. It clutched in a bony fist a candlestick that Fred supposed had been used to wake him with. Fred immediately recognized the creature as a kobold—he had helped design them, after all. But on closer inspection, he realized it was _female_.

Standing behind the kobold were an ogre, a furbolg, a tuskarr, a taunka, and a gnoll. All were female, and all looked incredibly pissed off. Fred was confused and terrified. For one thing, these creatures were not real. They could not spontaneously come to life. He had designed them himself to be groups of pixels that formed an image of whatever race they were. Secondly, you never want to be on the receiving end of a female's wrath. Especially if you are male.

The kobold whacked Fred with her candlestick again. He yelped and shrank away, but the ogre grasped him by the front of his clothing and held him up for the others' inspection. The tuskarr strode forwards and said, "Hello, employee of Blizzard. We have come because you have not designed us yet. Why is that?"

Fred struggled and yelped, "You aren't real. I am just having a very, very bad dream."

The gnoll bared her teeth and snarled, "You want I show you we real?"

Fred opened his mouth to yell for one of his coworkers, but the ogre clapped a beefy hand over his mouth. "You no talk, me no smash you," she said ominously.

Fred decided that this was a good compromise and shut up as the tuskarr began talking again. "We are the Council of Pissed-Off Humanoids Without Females—CHPOWF, if you like-and we are here because we were never created." she proclaimed, a definite hint of snobbish disdain in her voice.  
>In his shock, Fred forgot the no-talking rule that had been established and yelped, "That makes no sense! If you were never created, why are you here?"<p>

The gnoll waved a paw. "That classified information."

"The only thing that matters is that we don't exist, and, because you are on of the men in charge of designing monsters in the game we SHOULD reside in, this is all your fault." the taunka said, crossing her arms.

Fred glared at her. "How do you know that the reason that you don't have female models is because you reproduce asexually?"

His tormentors considered this in silence for an uncomfortable moment. The tuskarr finally broke it with, "According to lore, tuskarr _females _are in charge of farming. Self-same _females _are married off as soon as they hit puberty, which I am not so happy with."

The furbolg folded her arms and said, "Tell me why we reproduce asexually if we mammals."

"It is extremely clear that we have females" was all that the taunka would say.

"And that brings me to another question." Fred growled, glaring at the taunka."Why are _you _here? Your race already has a female model!"

The taunka's hands curled into fists, and she swept her tail from side to side in agitation, knocking over Fred's coffee mug. "We _don't_ have a female model," she snarled, "you lazy humans reused the female tauren model!"

"What's the difference?" Fred snapped.

This was, in fact, the worst possible thing that Fred could have ever said. The taunka's eyes bulged, and she stuck her snout (which was much shorter than a tauren's) into Fred's face. "We. Are. Not. COWS!" she hissed through her teeth. "while our more southerly cousins resemble bovines, even the simplest murloc knows that we resemble not heifers but the American bison!"she straightened, arms folded. Everybody stared at her for a moment. Everybody, that is, except the ogre. She has deposited Fred in his chair and was busy seeing if there was any turkey in Fred's lunchbox. She found only some spare change and a little note from his mother that mentioned something about her "sweet widdle Freddy-weddykins".

The furbolg stepped up and stuck a furry claw in Fred's face. "We deserve female models! My race very like pandaren! You make _them _female model, but not us! WHY?"  
>"Th-the p-p-pandaren model isn't even finished yet-"<p>

"THAT NO EXCUSE!"

It looked as though the squat little bear-woman was about to tear a cowering Fred limb from limb, when the ogre surprised everybody by speaking. "Maybe we let little human go, yes?" she said, stumbling a bit over the words. It was clear she wasn't very used to speaking Common, but she kept talking anyway. "We scared little guy enough. We go bye-bye now? Me want some turkey..."

The other five looked over at their friend, then at Fred, then at each other. Finally, the kobold spoke. "Fine." Then she turned to Fred, pointing a knobby finger in his face. "But you make models now! Otherwise, we come back with _murlocs!"_

She turned and strode out the door, ratty little tail swinging saucily behind her. The others followed. The gnoll was last to leave, and before she went through the door way, she turned to stare ominously at Fred. "_MURLOCS_." she hissed,as though she were condemning the Blizzard employee to the fieriest, most demon-infested area of the Twisting Nether. With that, she turned and left.

It took Fred a good 10 minutes to get his breathing back to normal, and by then, he was still trembling. He reached for his water bottle, drank deeply, and then pulled out a stack of papers to begin drawing.


End file.
